I have refrained from writing a Marriage Monday post for a while because I didn't want this blog to become all about complaining about my husband. After my post yesterday and the comments I received, as well as discussions I have had with my friends, today is the day to get back to it.
First, I want to say. I love my husband very, very much. He is a great person. We are struggling, though. I want us to be better but I don't feel like he cares enough to do anything about it. So, getting my thoughts out is therapeutic for me and I think would be helpful for other women to see they are not alone.
Yesterday was Mother's Day. I think some of us moms would be better off if there wasn't a day called "Mother's Day" because it just leads to disappointment. I know I am not the only one. Read the comments from yesterday's post. Plus, I have been talking to friends and it was no different for any of them. Are men really that clueless?
So, a couple weeks ago I told my husband not to spend a lot of money on me for Mother's Day. I wanted to get this Clarisonic face scrubber thing. It's expensive and I would otherwise not get it for myself. I figured I would get it for Mother's Day using my Discover points.
From my husband, I got nothing.
We did go out to breakfast (that's a treat for us.) As the day wore on I knew what happened. I said don't spend a lot of money, he heard don't get me anything. That's not what I said. Even if it was what I said, I didn't say do nothing for me. I didn't say spend no time or effort on me.
I am pretty low maintenance. I don't expect jewelry or something expensive. He could've said he would vacuum for me (see yesterday's post.) He could've asked what needed to be done around the house. Nope. I would've been happy with something that had to do with the kids. Have them paint a bowl or record their voices on a keychain. Help them make something for me. I really would be easy to please. But, many of those things require thinking ahead. That doesn't usually happen (another reason I feel like he doesn't care.)
After we put the kids to bed I told my husband, "I didn't say get me nothing, I said not to spend a lot of money." and headed to the bedroom. He came in and said, "I thought you said not to get you anything." I repeated myself. He went back to watching tv. That was it. No apology. No discussion. Really, that's it? You screw up Mother's Day and that's it.
Then, he slept on the couch. Didn't come tell me, just made himself comfy. I don't know what he was thinking. Did he think he was giving me some space? I think he was hiding.
Nothing like laying in my bed alone trying not to cry on Mother's Day.
I don't get it. How can he be so clueless? It just shows how little he knows me. We have been married almost 11 years. How does he not know me better?
All this happened after a big fight we had on Saturday. (Maybe I will write about that next week?) Perfect timing.
I have a lot more to say, I just can't do it right now.
More to come...
Oh gosh. I've only been married for 4 years and I feel the same way sometimes.
ReplyDeleteWell, to combine some advice I heard on click and clack, and "how to talk to kids so kids will listen, and how to listen so kids will talk"--
Assume he would love to help but doesn't know how.
Help him figure out how, just like a kid. (no-- don't tell him! That would be too easy!)
"honey, I have a problem and I need your help". (that's the click and clack part)
(wait for a response)
"I've been so busy etc etc etc help around the house."
Don't argue! There are some things that mean so much that only take a few minutes-- try to get to a part where he tells you how much time he could give-- a day or a week. See if you can get him to suggest something-- that is the key.
And, of course, the more praise you give the more they do it. (according to the book, anyway).
Anyway, I shouldn't be telling you what to do but I had this horrible thing where I would get tired then I would get angry and anything I asked him to do was just nagging and he wouldn't do it and would just end up on the couch watching baseball when I felt like I never was "off duty"-- not just doing things, but planning and worrying about everything.
I hope things get better because I hated so much the feeling like I was taking care of everyone but no one was taking care of me.
This is probably not because he doesn't love you/doesn't know you. It's probably because he's a male.
ReplyDeleteWhen dealing with a man, keep two things in mind: 1. they are direct; and 2. they are proud. So you can't be subtle about expectations and then get upset when he disappoints you. But they are also proud, so you can't nag him or it will feel emasculating and then he will not do what you want just to prove that he doesn't take orders from anyone.
Obviously Mother's Day was a flop, but instead of being angry and scolding him or pouting about it (though I don't blame you! I would have been upset, too) you'll probably just need to wait for a neutral time (meaning when you're calmed down so you'll be less likely to have an angry tone, and when he's off the hook so he's less likely to automatically become defensive) and let him know that you love him very much and know he loves you too, but in order for you to feel cherished and cared for you need to have special attention from him on days that are important to you including Mother's Day, anniversary, birthday and Valentine's (or whichever ones you care about). Let him know specifically (and without anger) that the dollar amount doesn't matter, but the gesture and the effort absolutely do matter and him doing so would make you happy and help you to be the best wife and mother you can be. (That's another thing about men, which has to do with pride - they like to feel successful and they like to provide happiness for others - but only if they feel like they can do it successfully. So if you let him know it's within his power to be successful at pleasing you and tell him how, he'll be 100 times more likely to do so.)
Just found your blog and this post tugged at my heart. My husband does the same things. This last mothers day he didn't even get me a card. It was my first mothers day with my son being here in person, last mothers day I was still pregnant. No card, no gift, no breakfast, nothing until he said "Happy Mothers Day" at about 10:30pm when I was heading to bed. Sure, his dad had died a couple weeks earlier, but I had been bending over backwards to be there for him. Making his favorite foods, favorite pie, home made bread... just to make him feel a little bit better. But the couch thing you mention.... oh that one is tough here. He will say he is going to sleep on the couch as if that is an escape from me. I am not a high maintenance wife, I don't ask much, but when we fight he will walk off in the middle of it and just go fall asleep. And there I am sitting up awake for hours crying and being angry. Always in the morning he is so apologetic for being an ass, but we can't continue the talk or anything without fighting again. Or if we do talk, he says he will change and then he won't. He is too lazy to change, to lazy to make the effort. And it makes me worry about how long this may last if he will not step up and do what he says he will and stop being so...... dense.
ReplyDelete