In my house, probably like most, there is some adjustment when summer comes. Schedules and routines have to be modified. For us, in addition to my children being off school and home, my husband is as well. I have had several friends say, "That must be nice to have him home all summer." I usually say, "Yeah." But I am thinking, "You would think that would be nice but it is not as great as it sounds."
Usually, there is a period of adjustment and then we all settle into being around each other all the time. Right now, we are still adjusting.
During the school year, my husband is gone a lot. Since I am home all day it often feels like it is the kids and I and then he sometimes joins the three of us. When the end of school comes, suddenly he is around all the time. We have our regular schedules and routines, the way we do things and then he is there throwing a wrench in things.
Then, in the fall we have another period of adjustment. For the past several years each fall has been a different adjustment. In addition to my husband going back to school, one year we had my daughter start preschool, two years later she started kindergarten (half-day) and my son started preschool, the next year she started first grade (full day), this year my son will start kindergarten (our district just switched to full day.) Fall has been a time of a lot of change for us. After this fall, things should start to feel a little more regular.
So far this summer, I haven't yet figured out the best schedule for us. This is the first year the kids have taken summer school so the first four weeks of summer have them gone in the mornings. When I was making our tentative schedule I figured it would be similar to last year. The kids would have morning jobs, we would have some kind of activity, some daily reading, etc. School starts at 8, so there is no time before school to do a morning job. School ends at 12 but we don't get back home until about 12:30. By the time we finish lunch it is already 1. I haven't been able to figure out where to fit in reading, activities, and jobs yet.
The other adjustment I am having to make is having my husband around all the time. As much as I love my husband and enjoy being around him, we are not used to being around each other so much. It can cause quite a bit of tension. Plus, I always think, this summer we are going to split the work 50-50. He is going to learn how to do everything around here. No more is the burden for so much going to be on me.
But, as usually happens, I am just glad to have him around more so I am less annoyed by what he doesn't do. I am less stressed overall because I don't watch other kids in the summer. Some of the burden of the work load is relieved simply because he is here to help with the kids, do some cooking, and help with the dishes. We are no where near 50-50, though.
I know some of it is my fault. We have fallen into the habit we do each summer, which is very much like what we do all year. I still do the majority around here. It is just easier to do things myself. I would prefer he do something with the kids so I can clean or organize. I prefer things be done my way and I get a sense of comfort and accomplishment having cleaned and organized. That doesn't help me in the long run, though. He still doesn't know what needs to be done around the house or how things need to be done. I think he thinks he is doing a great job because he does something. I think something is the minimum. We should be able to have this house really clean and organized with the two of us being home. Especially with the kids being gone all morning five days a week.
We don't have great communication. I've tried to have the conversation about what needs to be done. Since he truly has no idea of everything that needs to be done around here (I'll have to write about how I think his mother created this monster) he says he wants me to give him a list of things to do and he will do them. In reality, he doesn't want me to tell him what to do. He doesn't like feeling like I am bossing him around. He also doesn't like me telling him how to do something.
While yes, I like things to be done a certain way, my standards are very low. It's not like Sleeping with the Enemy where all the can labels have to be lined up. It's more like when you do the dishes, I don't want to have to come back into the kitchen and finish putting left over food in the fridge (yes, I have had to do that) or if you use a rag to wipe down the counters, please rinse it (tonight I picked up the rag and it was full of pizza sauce.)
I swing from being so irritated and tired of those same things happening over and over to thinking, "Really, is it that big of a deal?" On one hand, no it's not. On the other hand, yes it is. Those are the kinds of things that drive me over the edge during school. When we are not spending time together and he is not home, those are the things that build up. Now, they aren't that big of a deal. But, in about 6-8 months when he is gone several nights a week and a couple weekends in a row. They will be a very big deal.
I have no idea how to figure this out. What I have done to this point, has not worked. I need to get him to do more this summer and all year but I have to get him to do it without feeling like I am telling him what to do. I guess I also need to let go of some things. Which, I have done but I guess I can do more.
Here is what I think I am going to try...
I am going to ask him to do some job every day.
I have had him swish & swipe, I do ask him to empty the dishwasher, we take turns dropping the kids off and picking the kids up. Actually, that has been huge. I have been running a lot in the mornings. I get up and out the door before the kids get up and he has to feed them, get them dressed, and ready to leave. That is what I am going to try to do with things around the house. I am going to give him the same kinds of opportunities.
I am going to have to really be focused on doing that. I tend to revert back to what my mom always did (which I have written about before) try to make everything easy on my dad. Instead of requiring him to do his share she did everything she could so he wouldn't have to anything once he got home from work. It didn't matter whether she was home with little kids all day or if she was also working full-time. That is a hard habit to break though. When I think about it, I get frustrated not only at myself, but also at my husband. Now, he is no where near like my dad. He does do dishes without being asked, he does stuff with the kids, he will cook. But, he is also fine letting me do a lot more than he does.
We'll see how this works, I'll keep you posted.
Showing posts with label Marriage Mondays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage Mondays. Show all posts
Monday, June 20, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
My husband is clueless.
I have refrained from writing a Marriage Monday post for a while because I didn't want this blog to become all about complaining about my husband. After my post yesterday and the comments I received, as well as discussions I have had with my friends, today is the day to get back to it.
First, I want to say. I love my husband very, very much. He is a great person. We are struggling, though. I want us to be better but I don't feel like he cares enough to do anything about it. So, getting my thoughts out is therapeutic for me and I think would be helpful for other women to see they are not alone.
Yesterday was Mother's Day. I think some of us moms would be better off if there wasn't a day called "Mother's Day" because it just leads to disappointment. I know I am not the only one. Read the comments from yesterday's post. Plus, I have been talking to friends and it was no different for any of them. Are men really that clueless?
So, a couple weeks ago I told my husband not to spend a lot of money on me for Mother's Day. I wanted to get this Clarisonic face scrubber thing. It's expensive and I would otherwise not get it for myself. I figured I would get it for Mother's Day using my Discover points.
From my husband, I got nothing.
We did go out to breakfast (that's a treat for us.) As the day wore on I knew what happened. I said don't spend a lot of money, he heard don't get me anything. That's not what I said. Even if it was what I said, I didn't say do nothing for me. I didn't say spend no time or effort on me.
I am pretty low maintenance. I don't expect jewelry or something expensive. He could've said he would vacuum for me (see yesterday's post.) He could've asked what needed to be done around the house. Nope. I would've been happy with something that had to do with the kids. Have them paint a bowl or record their voices on a keychain. Help them make something for me. I really would be easy to please. But, many of those things require thinking ahead. That doesn't usually happen (another reason I feel like he doesn't care.)
After we put the kids to bed I told my husband, "I didn't say get me nothing, I said not to spend a lot of money." and headed to the bedroom. He came in and said, "I thought you said not to get you anything." I repeated myself. He went back to watching tv. That was it. No apology. No discussion. Really, that's it? You screw up Mother's Day and that's it.
Then, he slept on the couch. Didn't come tell me, just made himself comfy. I don't know what he was thinking. Did he think he was giving me some space? I think he was hiding.
Nothing like laying in my bed alone trying not to cry on Mother's Day.
I don't get it. How can he be so clueless? It just shows how little he knows me. We have been married almost 11 years. How does he not know me better?
All this happened after a big fight we had on Saturday. (Maybe I will write about that next week?) Perfect timing.
I have a lot more to say, I just can't do it right now.
More to come...
First, I want to say. I love my husband very, very much. He is a great person. We are struggling, though. I want us to be better but I don't feel like he cares enough to do anything about it. So, getting my thoughts out is therapeutic for me and I think would be helpful for other women to see they are not alone.
Yesterday was Mother's Day. I think some of us moms would be better off if there wasn't a day called "Mother's Day" because it just leads to disappointment. I know I am not the only one. Read the comments from yesterday's post. Plus, I have been talking to friends and it was no different for any of them. Are men really that clueless?
So, a couple weeks ago I told my husband not to spend a lot of money on me for Mother's Day. I wanted to get this Clarisonic face scrubber thing. It's expensive and I would otherwise not get it for myself. I figured I would get it for Mother's Day using my Discover points.
From my husband, I got nothing.
We did go out to breakfast (that's a treat for us.) As the day wore on I knew what happened. I said don't spend a lot of money, he heard don't get me anything. That's not what I said. Even if it was what I said, I didn't say do nothing for me. I didn't say spend no time or effort on me.
I am pretty low maintenance. I don't expect jewelry or something expensive. He could've said he would vacuum for me (see yesterday's post.) He could've asked what needed to be done around the house. Nope. I would've been happy with something that had to do with the kids. Have them paint a bowl or record their voices on a keychain. Help them make something for me. I really would be easy to please. But, many of those things require thinking ahead. That doesn't usually happen (another reason I feel like he doesn't care.)
After we put the kids to bed I told my husband, "I didn't say get me nothing, I said not to spend a lot of money." and headed to the bedroom. He came in and said, "I thought you said not to get you anything." I repeated myself. He went back to watching tv. That was it. No apology. No discussion. Really, that's it? You screw up Mother's Day and that's it.
Then, he slept on the couch. Didn't come tell me, just made himself comfy. I don't know what he was thinking. Did he think he was giving me some space? I think he was hiding.
Nothing like laying in my bed alone trying not to cry on Mother's Day.
I don't get it. How can he be so clueless? It just shows how little he knows me. We have been married almost 11 years. How does he not know me better?
All this happened after a big fight we had on Saturday. (Maybe I will write about that next week?) Perfect timing.
I have a lot more to say, I just can't do it right now.
More to come...
Monday, April 11, 2011
My husband, the house, and this weekend
When I chose Mondays to write about marriage, I didn't realize how good the timing would be. After being home together all weekend there will probably be many Mondays I have plenty to write about. Today, for instance.
Last weekend, for the first time in several weekends, my husband was going to be home all weekend. That was good, because it was going to be a busy weekend. We were going to have my daughter's softball practice (it was actually a practice game) and game, a birthday party for both kids, Girl Scouts' April Showers bag drop off, a test for me, a daisies meeting, my half marathon, and my son's preschool's fund raiser. Luckily, none of it overlapped so we were going to be able to do it all.
So, my daughter's practice game was Friday night. My husband, son, and I all watched the game while my daughter played. After the game we needed to drop of the April Showers bags. (Those are the green bags you may have seen attached to your door requesting personal care items.) Our troop needed lots of help because our daughters are only in first grade and we had a lot of houses. Normally, I wouldn't have my husband come. Why? I don't know. I usually try to make things easy on him. It's really silly but it's what my mom used to do and is my first inclination. In the past, I would probably have sent hime home with my son. Really, though, there was no reason they couldn't come and help. There were going to be other dads and siblings helping. He was very quiet while we were doing it. After we put the kids to bed, I asked if I was reading him wrong because he didn't seem happy to be there with us. He said it wasn't that, he didn't feel well. (Yea, right.) I left it at that.
The next morning (Saturday) I had to take a test (it was to get an additional teaching certification.) The test was at 8. That meant my husband was going to have to get the kids ready and to my daughter's game by 9:30. I was excited about this because it was going to be one of the only times (ever) my husband was going to have to get the kids ready and out of the house by himself. It rained a lot, so the game was cancelled. I got home around 10:30. The kids were fed and the three of them were either watching tv or playing a game on the iPad. The breakfast dishes might have been cleaned up but they were still in the sink because the dishwasher was full of clean dishes.
OK, had I been home I would have done much much more by 10:30. I tried not to get too annoyed because my husband is not me and he is a little slower on Saturday mornings than I am. The problem is that he did almost nothing for the rest of the day. After I got home, I am putting things away, getting things ready for the daisy meeting that afternoon, getting the kids packed to go to my parents' house (because we had to get up so early for the race), making lunch, etc. I asked him if he was going to get the basement vacuumed and dusted this weekend (which is supposed to be his job every weekend, but I can on my two hands the number of times he's vacuumed in the last year and on one hand--maybe one finger---how many times he's dusted.) He either laid on the bed and watched tv or played a game on the iPad. I was very, very annoyed. It would be so nice to feel like there was so little to be done that I could lay on the bed and watch tv all day. Or, that there was someone else who was going to be sure everything got done so I didn't need to worry about it. I asked him to empty the dishwasher while we were at the daisy meeting, which he did and he loaded the dishwasher back up. That was it, the entire day home that was it. My daughter and I went to the daisy meeting and I'm pretty sure my son watched tv the entire time. I was so mad. I didn't say anything then because we were going to a dinner and movie together. Plus, I went to take the kids to a birthday party (which ended up being cancelled) and then out to my parents and still he did nothing else.
The next morning he says, "I'll get the basement done but I won't be much more useful." because he was so tired. He has been having problems sleeping lately, but I doubt he was more tired than I was after I ran a half marathon. He went to church while I was finishing my race and I had my mom bring the kids to me. After I showered, I took them outside to enjoy the weather. When my husband got home (he brought us lunch--because I asked him to) he sat inside watching tv while the kids and I were outside. Again, must be nice to not feel like you have to be the one to make sure the kids don't sit inside all day. We all went to the fundraiser together. My guess is, if I had offered for him not to go, he wouldn't have. I'm not doing that anymore. It's like the birthday party the day before. I didn't ask him to come, so he didn't offer. Why? Certainly not because he was doing stuff around the house.
We got home a little after 4 and he went into the bedroom and (guess what?) watched tv. The house was a wreck. There was crap everywhere. So, I went to work putting things away. I finished up the dishes. I picked up the basement. I didn't want to do any of those things but I had kids coming to my house early the next morning. I didn't have the luxury of doing nothing. I didn't want to clean, either. I was tired, very tired. And mad. I was really mad. He actually laid on the bed when I came into the bedroom to vacuum. Finally at about 5:30 he went downstairs and vacuumed. I decided I was not cooking. It was a yoyo (you're on your own) dinner. (Actually, I did the kids and mine.) He got himself something to eat and joined us. We cleared the table (I think he did the dishes) and I started showers. As I'm drying my daughter's hair, he came in and asked where we keep the dusting stuff. Yes, he dusts so little he doesn't even know what we dust with. I told him to get a microfiber cloth and get it wet. He left and came back and asked where they were.
So, he got his stuff done, but barely. I don't think what we want to teach the kids is, lay around all weekend and barely get your stuff done before bed on Sunday night. Plus, I feel like the vacuuming and dusting is the minimum. If the house is a wreck you don't get to only do that. He gets to dust and vacuum a very, very small part of the house and I am responsible for everything else? That hardly seems fair. I don't ask him to do anything on the weekends he is gone or super busy. I feel like the least he can do is help when he is here. I feel like he thinks because he "called it" on Sunday morning that he wasn't going to be able help much, that makes it ok. Once again, I don't have that luxury. Unless you are sick, you help. Especially if you haven't been here. He doesn't like when I tell him what to do, but he just showed he doesn't offer on his own, either.
I didn't say anything last night because it would have just turned into a fight. I'm not letting it go, though. It's not fair and it has to change. I'm going to bring it up tonight. I'm going to try to not be so nasty about it but he will still get annoyed. Instead of apologizing and admitting he was wrong, he'll get defensive. That's fine, as long as things change.
Last weekend, for the first time in several weekends, my husband was going to be home all weekend. That was good, because it was going to be a busy weekend. We were going to have my daughter's softball practice (it was actually a practice game) and game, a birthday party for both kids, Girl Scouts' April Showers bag drop off, a test for me, a daisies meeting, my half marathon, and my son's preschool's fund raiser. Luckily, none of it overlapped so we were going to be able to do it all.
So, my daughter's practice game was Friday night. My husband, son, and I all watched the game while my daughter played. After the game we needed to drop of the April Showers bags. (Those are the green bags you may have seen attached to your door requesting personal care items.) Our troop needed lots of help because our daughters are only in first grade and we had a lot of houses. Normally, I wouldn't have my husband come. Why? I don't know. I usually try to make things easy on him. It's really silly but it's what my mom used to do and is my first inclination. In the past, I would probably have sent hime home with my son. Really, though, there was no reason they couldn't come and help. There were going to be other dads and siblings helping. He was very quiet while we were doing it. After we put the kids to bed, I asked if I was reading him wrong because he didn't seem happy to be there with us. He said it wasn't that, he didn't feel well. (Yea, right.) I left it at that.
The next morning (Saturday) I had to take a test (it was to get an additional teaching certification.) The test was at 8. That meant my husband was going to have to get the kids ready and to my daughter's game by 9:30. I was excited about this because it was going to be one of the only times (ever) my husband was going to have to get the kids ready and out of the house by himself. It rained a lot, so the game was cancelled. I got home around 10:30. The kids were fed and the three of them were either watching tv or playing a game on the iPad. The breakfast dishes might have been cleaned up but they were still in the sink because the dishwasher was full of clean dishes.
OK, had I been home I would have done much much more by 10:30. I tried not to get too annoyed because my husband is not me and he is a little slower on Saturday mornings than I am. The problem is that he did almost nothing for the rest of the day. After I got home, I am putting things away, getting things ready for the daisy meeting that afternoon, getting the kids packed to go to my parents' house (because we had to get up so early for the race), making lunch, etc. I asked him if he was going to get the basement vacuumed and dusted this weekend (which is supposed to be his job every weekend, but I can on my two hands the number of times he's vacuumed in the last year and on one hand--maybe one finger---how many times he's dusted.) He either laid on the bed and watched tv or played a game on the iPad. I was very, very annoyed. It would be so nice to feel like there was so little to be done that I could lay on the bed and watch tv all day. Or, that there was someone else who was going to be sure everything got done so I didn't need to worry about it. I asked him to empty the dishwasher while we were at the daisy meeting, which he did and he loaded the dishwasher back up. That was it, the entire day home that was it. My daughter and I went to the daisy meeting and I'm pretty sure my son watched tv the entire time. I was so mad. I didn't say anything then because we were going to a dinner and movie together. Plus, I went to take the kids to a birthday party (which ended up being cancelled) and then out to my parents and still he did nothing else.
The next morning he says, "I'll get the basement done but I won't be much more useful." because he was so tired. He has been having problems sleeping lately, but I doubt he was more tired than I was after I ran a half marathon. He went to church while I was finishing my race and I had my mom bring the kids to me. After I showered, I took them outside to enjoy the weather. When my husband got home (he brought us lunch--because I asked him to) he sat inside watching tv while the kids and I were outside. Again, must be nice to not feel like you have to be the one to make sure the kids don't sit inside all day. We all went to the fundraiser together. My guess is, if I had offered for him not to go, he wouldn't have. I'm not doing that anymore. It's like the birthday party the day before. I didn't ask him to come, so he didn't offer. Why? Certainly not because he was doing stuff around the house.
We got home a little after 4 and he went into the bedroom and (guess what?) watched tv. The house was a wreck. There was crap everywhere. So, I went to work putting things away. I finished up the dishes. I picked up the basement. I didn't want to do any of those things but I had kids coming to my house early the next morning. I didn't have the luxury of doing nothing. I didn't want to clean, either. I was tired, very tired. And mad. I was really mad. He actually laid on the bed when I came into the bedroom to vacuum. Finally at about 5:30 he went downstairs and vacuumed. I decided I was not cooking. It was a yoyo (you're on your own) dinner. (Actually, I did the kids and mine.) He got himself something to eat and joined us. We cleared the table (I think he did the dishes) and I started showers. As I'm drying my daughter's hair, he came in and asked where we keep the dusting stuff. Yes, he dusts so little he doesn't even know what we dust with. I told him to get a microfiber cloth and get it wet. He left and came back and asked where they were.
So, he got his stuff done, but barely. I don't think what we want to teach the kids is, lay around all weekend and barely get your stuff done before bed on Sunday night. Plus, I feel like the vacuuming and dusting is the minimum. If the house is a wreck you don't get to only do that. He gets to dust and vacuum a very, very small part of the house and I am responsible for everything else? That hardly seems fair. I don't ask him to do anything on the weekends he is gone or super busy. I feel like the least he can do is help when he is here. I feel like he thinks because he "called it" on Sunday morning that he wasn't going to be able help much, that makes it ok. Once again, I don't have that luxury. Unless you are sick, you help. Especially if you haven't been here. He doesn't like when I tell him what to do, but he just showed he doesn't offer on his own, either.
I didn't say anything last night because it would have just turned into a fight. I'm not letting it go, though. It's not fair and it has to change. I'm going to bring it up tonight. I'm going to try to not be so nasty about it but he will still get annoyed. Instead of apologizing and admitting he was wrong, he'll get defensive. That's fine, as long as things change.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Submitting to my husband
Last week I wrote about issues I have with inequities that I see in the marriages of most of the people I know. Recently I saw two posts that made me reflect even more on those thoughts and my post. First, let me say that I LOVE these blogs. I read both of them regularly. I wasn't sure if I was even going to include the posts but then realized that just because I don't agree with these women, doesn't mean I am saying anything about them personally. Instead of commenting on their blogs, I am posting on my own blog. I am including the original posts because I think they show exactly what I am talking about when I write about marriage for my generation.
So, here I go.
The first blog post I saw was this one from Organizing Made Fun.
I considered leaving a comment saying something like, "I, too, iron my husband's shirts. I do it because I am better at it than he is (although that's not saying much.) I wonder if we are enabling them. I also wonder what message I am sending my children."
I didn't feel right leaving that kind of comment. It isn't meant to be mean, I really am wondering if other women feel the same way. About the ironing, it's not something I enjoy but it needs to be done and my husband appreicates it. Having said that, he could learn to do it just like I did. The reason my husband never learned to iron is because while his sister was inside practicing her ironing by ironing her dad's handerchiefs my husband was outside "painting" the porch with a paintbrush and water. Basically, he got to go outside and play in the water while his sister ironed. That is not the kind of message I want to send my daughter.
Then I saw this post from We Are That Family.
Before I go on, let me say again, I love this blog. I check it often and really respect Kristen, the author. That does not mean I have to agree with everything she says and believes.
I was right with her all the way until the end. The last tip said we should submit to our husbands on the big stuff.
What? No. No. No. No. Why? Why? Why? Why?
Why?
Why should I submit to my husband? I don't think he should submit to me, either. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. We are suppose to compromise. Sometimes we do things my way. Sometimes we do things his way. Sometimes we come up with a way to do something together. We no longer go from our father's home to our husband's home. I was on my own for several years before I lived with my husband. Am I supposed to go from making all my own decisions and being in charge of and responsible for everything to allowing someone else to make all the decisions? I am aware that in the post she said "submit to your husband on the big stuff" (not everything) but I'm not sure that is any better. The big stuff tends to have bigger consequences that the entire family would have to live with.
Maybe there is a religious aspect that I am not understanding. Sometimes it seems like I am the only blogger that doesn't describe myself as a child of god, or a Christian, etc. in my profile. Maybe that's where this mentality comes from.
This is exactly the opposite of what I am trying to teach my daughter. I am trying to teach her to become independent. To be able to take care of herself. I'm trying to teach her to make her own decisions. How does that gel with submitting to your husband? Make your own decisions, unless your husband wants something else?
I just can't do it. I'm pretty sure I know where this comes from in me. My mom did submit to my dad, in most things. I guess growing up in a family like that, I could have followed in her footsteps or go the opposite way. I didn't totally go the opposite way. Actually, I find myself doing lots of things the way my mom would have. I let my husband off the hook for lots of stuff. For example, we had a slumber party over the weekend for my newly turned 7 year old. I had 15 first grade girls here. I planned it for the weekend my husband would be out of town, to make it easy on him. Why? That was stupid, I needed help. Also, two Sundays ago we were leaving church (we drive separately because my husband has to be there early) and I said I was going to stop by the grocery store. I was planning on taking the kids with me. While he went home. Alone. Why? Again, that was stupid. Why take two kids to the grocery store if I don't have to? Good thing for me, the boy asked if he could go with daddy. My husband even tried to talk him out of it. Luckily, I snapped out of it and sent both kids with him.
I know a lot of women do submit to their husbands. Maybe it was the way they were raised. Maybe that's just what works best in their family. Maybe it has something to do with their church. I know I have a very strong personality. I am very independent, always have been. I'm the oldest child of four, maybe that's why. I don't know but I can't just blindly submit to my husband. Nor, can I understand why someone would. I also can't teach my daughter that's what she should do. I don't want my son to think that's the way it should be, either.
I'm not the only one. Right? Someone please tell me I'm not.
So, here I go.
The first blog post I saw was this one from Organizing Made Fun.
I considered leaving a comment saying something like, "I, too, iron my husband's shirts. I do it because I am better at it than he is (although that's not saying much.) I wonder if we are enabling them. I also wonder what message I am sending my children."
I didn't feel right leaving that kind of comment. It isn't meant to be mean, I really am wondering if other women feel the same way. About the ironing, it's not something I enjoy but it needs to be done and my husband appreicates it. Having said that, he could learn to do it just like I did. The reason my husband never learned to iron is because while his sister was inside practicing her ironing by ironing her dad's handerchiefs my husband was outside "painting" the porch with a paintbrush and water. Basically, he got to go outside and play in the water while his sister ironed. That is not the kind of message I want to send my daughter.
Then I saw this post from We Are That Family.
Before I go on, let me say again, I love this blog. I check it often and really respect Kristen, the author. That does not mean I have to agree with everything she says and believes.
I was right with her all the way until the end. The last tip said we should submit to our husbands on the big stuff.
What? No. No. No. No. Why? Why? Why? Why?
Why?
Why should I submit to my husband? I don't think he should submit to me, either. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. We are suppose to compromise. Sometimes we do things my way. Sometimes we do things his way. Sometimes we come up with a way to do something together. We no longer go from our father's home to our husband's home. I was on my own for several years before I lived with my husband. Am I supposed to go from making all my own decisions and being in charge of and responsible for everything to allowing someone else to make all the decisions? I am aware that in the post she said "submit to your husband on the big stuff" (not everything) but I'm not sure that is any better. The big stuff tends to have bigger consequences that the entire family would have to live with.
Maybe there is a religious aspect that I am not understanding. Sometimes it seems like I am the only blogger that doesn't describe myself as a child of god, or a Christian, etc. in my profile. Maybe that's where this mentality comes from.
This is exactly the opposite of what I am trying to teach my daughter. I am trying to teach her to become independent. To be able to take care of herself. I'm trying to teach her to make her own decisions. How does that gel with submitting to your husband? Make your own decisions, unless your husband wants something else?
I just can't do it. I'm pretty sure I know where this comes from in me. My mom did submit to my dad, in most things. I guess growing up in a family like that, I could have followed in her footsteps or go the opposite way. I didn't totally go the opposite way. Actually, I find myself doing lots of things the way my mom would have. I let my husband off the hook for lots of stuff. For example, we had a slumber party over the weekend for my newly turned 7 year old. I had 15 first grade girls here. I planned it for the weekend my husband would be out of town, to make it easy on him. Why? That was stupid, I needed help. Also, two Sundays ago we were leaving church (we drive separately because my husband has to be there early) and I said I was going to stop by the grocery store. I was planning on taking the kids with me. While he went home. Alone. Why? Again, that was stupid. Why take two kids to the grocery store if I don't have to? Good thing for me, the boy asked if he could go with daddy. My husband even tried to talk him out of it. Luckily, I snapped out of it and sent both kids with him.
I know a lot of women do submit to their husbands. Maybe it was the way they were raised. Maybe that's just what works best in their family. Maybe it has something to do with their church. I know I have a very strong personality. I am very independent, always have been. I'm the oldest child of four, maybe that's why. I don't know but I can't just blindly submit to my husband. Nor, can I understand why someone would. I also can't teach my daughter that's what she should do. I don't want my son to think that's the way it should be, either.
I'm not the only one. Right? Someone please tell me I'm not.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Marriage for my generation
First, let me say, I love being married. Please don't think that the post that follows means I don't. I love my husband and love my life. If you want to know more about Marriage Mondays and why I am writing about my marriage, please read this post.
I'm not saying everyone of my generation has had a marriage experience like mine. Having said that, most of my friends and family that are my age, have. I used to think it might be that we live in the mid-west, generally conservative and traditional. As I have been searching blogs it looks like it's not limited to the mid-west.
I was raised in a household that was very traditional. My mom took care of things in the house and my dad took care of things outside. She cooked, cleaned, did laundry and took care of the kids. He did all the handy man stuff and cut the grass. There were times when my mom worked and times when she didn't. That didn't matter. The division of labor didn't change. It didn't matter that the grass didn't need to be cut October through March. It didn't matter that my mom was constantly cooking or cleaning or taking care of children. As far as I could tell, that was ok by them. They both grew up in families where gender roles were very traditional.
I was also raised in a house where my parents' roles were traditional but I grew up post feminism. I was born the year Title IX was passed. Girls have always been able to do everything boys could do. I played soccer at age five on a team of all boys and I never thought anything about it. I wasn't good at math and science but was never told I couldn't or shouldn't take those classes. I always thought girls were smarter than boys. Until I started taking education classes in college, I never even knew other people thought boys were smarter than girls (I led a sheltered life.)
I think all of that is why I struggle with my role in my marriage. I struggle with my tendency to just do it all myself (because it's easier) and my expectation that my husband will do his share, spontaneously. Both of us grew up traditionally but we both believe men and women are equal. My husband would never have thought of telling me I couldn't work after we got married. On the contrary, he is more than ready for me to go back to work. Yet, he does not do an equal share of the work around here. I don't think he does it intentionally. I don't believe he thinks he shouldn't do something because it's my job. It just doesn't occur to him to do much of the stuff that needs to be done. Sometimes I'm ok with it. Lots of time, I get very aggravated.
I blame myself some because, until my daughter was born, I expected very little from my husband other than cutting the grass. He was a slob before we got together, really his apartment was disgusting. I figured that if I wasn't around he wouldn't be doing many of the house things so why should I expect him to just because we were married. I've come to realize that he should've done those things because that's what adults do. I get annoyed because when he is home with the kids while I run errands he can sit and play with them whereas if I were home I would have been doing some kind of housework. He has no idea what needs to be done. If there are dirty dishes he will do them. After that, he doesn't have a clue. He has no idea about cleaning bathrooms, dusting, etc. I've made lists, assigned jobs. It doesn't change. If we talk about it he will readily admit he should do more. I think he believes that I should be happy that he is doing anything. He does more than his dad did. Whatever he does should be enough. If I gripe about it, I'm the nagging wife.
I think this all bothers me more now because of what I think we are teaching our children. I do not want my daughter thinking it is her job to do all the housework. I do not want my son to think it is someone else's responsibility to take care of the house. We all know kids learn by what they see. It doesn't matter what we say, actions speak louder than words. I have a friend, who is also a neighbor, and the art teacher at my daughter's school. She recently told me that at school her daughter (in first grade) cleaned up the mess on her desk and then proceeded to clean up the mess on the desk of the boy she likes. My friend wondered if that is what she is teaching her daughter. Yes! That is what we are teaching our daughters. It's not that I don't want to take care of my husband. It's not that I want to be taken care of (although it would be nice.) It's that it is 2011 and I think it's BS that these things are still so out of whack in so many of our homes. It's that I'm afraid by not addressing the issue, nothing is going to change and our daughters are going to be in the same position we are.
I know not all marriages are like this. I know there are some where things are divided more equally. I know some women are willing to do it all on their own and are happy to do it. I'm not one of them. Although, I think my life would be easier if I was.
I'm not saying everyone of my generation has had a marriage experience like mine. Having said that, most of my friends and family that are my age, have. I used to think it might be that we live in the mid-west, generally conservative and traditional. As I have been searching blogs it looks like it's not limited to the mid-west.
I was raised in a household that was very traditional. My mom took care of things in the house and my dad took care of things outside. She cooked, cleaned, did laundry and took care of the kids. He did all the handy man stuff and cut the grass. There were times when my mom worked and times when she didn't. That didn't matter. The division of labor didn't change. It didn't matter that the grass didn't need to be cut October through March. It didn't matter that my mom was constantly cooking or cleaning or taking care of children. As far as I could tell, that was ok by them. They both grew up in families where gender roles were very traditional.
I was also raised in a house where my parents' roles were traditional but I grew up post feminism. I was born the year Title IX was passed. Girls have always been able to do everything boys could do. I played soccer at age five on a team of all boys and I never thought anything about it. I wasn't good at math and science but was never told I couldn't or shouldn't take those classes. I always thought girls were smarter than boys. Until I started taking education classes in college, I never even knew other people thought boys were smarter than girls (I led a sheltered life.)
I think all of that is why I struggle with my role in my marriage. I struggle with my tendency to just do it all myself (because it's easier) and my expectation that my husband will do his share, spontaneously. Both of us grew up traditionally but we both believe men and women are equal. My husband would never have thought of telling me I couldn't work after we got married. On the contrary, he is more than ready for me to go back to work. Yet, he does not do an equal share of the work around here. I don't think he does it intentionally. I don't believe he thinks he shouldn't do something because it's my job. It just doesn't occur to him to do much of the stuff that needs to be done. Sometimes I'm ok with it. Lots of time, I get very aggravated.
I blame myself some because, until my daughter was born, I expected very little from my husband other than cutting the grass. He was a slob before we got together, really his apartment was disgusting. I figured that if I wasn't around he wouldn't be doing many of the house things so why should I expect him to just because we were married. I've come to realize that he should've done those things because that's what adults do. I get annoyed because when he is home with the kids while I run errands he can sit and play with them whereas if I were home I would have been doing some kind of housework. He has no idea what needs to be done. If there are dirty dishes he will do them. After that, he doesn't have a clue. He has no idea about cleaning bathrooms, dusting, etc. I've made lists, assigned jobs. It doesn't change. If we talk about it he will readily admit he should do more. I think he believes that I should be happy that he is doing anything. He does more than his dad did. Whatever he does should be enough. If I gripe about it, I'm the nagging wife.
I think this all bothers me more now because of what I think we are teaching our children. I do not want my daughter thinking it is her job to do all the housework. I do not want my son to think it is someone else's responsibility to take care of the house. We all know kids learn by what they see. It doesn't matter what we say, actions speak louder than words. I have a friend, who is also a neighbor, and the art teacher at my daughter's school. She recently told me that at school her daughter (in first grade) cleaned up the mess on her desk and then proceeded to clean up the mess on the desk of the boy she likes. My friend wondered if that is what she is teaching her daughter. Yes! That is what we are teaching our daughters. It's not that I don't want to take care of my husband. It's not that I want to be taken care of (although it would be nice.) It's that it is 2011 and I think it's BS that these things are still so out of whack in so many of our homes. It's that I'm afraid by not addressing the issue, nothing is going to change and our daughters are going to be in the same position we are.
I know not all marriages are like this. I know there are some where things are divided more equally. I know some women are willing to do it all on their own and are happy to do it. I'm not one of them. Although, I think my life would be easier if I was.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Marriage Mondays
I've thought a lot about whether I was going to blog about my marriage and if I was, how I was going to do it. One of the things I noticed when I started reading blogs was that the people who did blog about their husbands only had great things to say. Each of them was married to the best man and just adored him. It sounded like the husband was perfect. Maybe he was. My guess is that he wasn't. As I've said before, a blogger that I enjoyed reading, one day suddenly said her marriage was over and she and the kids had to leave. That was a shock. Reading her blog before that you would've thought she had one of those perfect husbands and, actually, perfect lives. Maybe he blindsided her and she didn't see it coming. I'm guessing that's not the case. My hope in writing this blog is to show an honest picture about an average woman's life. Being married is a huge part of my life so how can I show an accurate picture if I don't include my marriage?
I don't intend for this to become husband bashing. I love my husband, very much. He is a very good man. He's excellent at his job. He is a good father and husband. He's very talented. But, man, he can be really annoying. One of my favorite podcasts is Manic Mommies. It is one of the first podcasts I started listening to. It hooked me because in the first show I listened to the Mommies were complaining about their husbands. They weren't painting them to be idiots or completely incompetent but they were talking about their issues. They were being completely honest. Sometimes a girl's just gotta vent. That's what these two friends do and that's what I do with my friends. This is just a place for me to vent. I know I'm not alone but I haven't found any blogs that show that side of life.
I don't know how often I'm going to have Marriage Mondays. Once a week? Once a month? We'll see.
This is today's issue.
Last week my husband and I got into an argument. I like to get everything out there and work it out. He does not. He is very non-confrontational. What tends to happen is we argue, get upset and then just leave it at that. I want to come back together at some point and resolve it. Kiss and make up. He wants to go on like it never happened. So, we argued one night last week and haven't talked about it since. I've told him many times I want to resolve things, not just pretend they never happened. I have ALWAYS been the one to either do it his way and not bring it up again, or I'm the one who brings it up again to resolve the issue. I've told him before how important it is to me to resolve issues and how much it would mean to me for him to bring it up. He NEVER has, not once. So, it's Valentine's Day and I'm torn. Do I just forget it, wait for him to come to me, or bring it up? The issue is not that big. It's the point that I'm tired of being the one to do it his way. I'd like him to show me how important I am and come to me. In the big picture, is it that important? No. I think of the woman who used to get upset about her husbands leaving his socks on the ground and then he dies and she wishes she would see his socks on the ground. How would I feel if he never came home? Does he think about it that way? What if something happened to me? How would he feel knowing I wanted him to come to me to resolve something and he never did? (Actually, I'm sure that thought would never cross his mind.) I'm planning on us being married for a long, long time. I don't like having an argument and not resolving it. Do I have to accept that it's going to be this way forever or is it reasonable to expect him to bend my way at least sometimes? Hmm. We'll see. I think we'll be having a talk tonight.
I don't intend for this to become husband bashing. I love my husband, very much. He is a very good man. He's excellent at his job. He is a good father and husband. He's very talented. But, man, he can be really annoying. One of my favorite podcasts is Manic Mommies. It is one of the first podcasts I started listening to. It hooked me because in the first show I listened to the Mommies were complaining about their husbands. They weren't painting them to be idiots or completely incompetent but they were talking about their issues. They were being completely honest. Sometimes a girl's just gotta vent. That's what these two friends do and that's what I do with my friends. This is just a place for me to vent. I know I'm not alone but I haven't found any blogs that show that side of life.
I don't know how often I'm going to have Marriage Mondays. Once a week? Once a month? We'll see.
This is today's issue.
Last week my husband and I got into an argument. I like to get everything out there and work it out. He does not. He is very non-confrontational. What tends to happen is we argue, get upset and then just leave it at that. I want to come back together at some point and resolve it. Kiss and make up. He wants to go on like it never happened. So, we argued one night last week and haven't talked about it since. I've told him many times I want to resolve things, not just pretend they never happened. I have ALWAYS been the one to either do it his way and not bring it up again, or I'm the one who brings it up again to resolve the issue. I've told him before how important it is to me to resolve issues and how much it would mean to me for him to bring it up. He NEVER has, not once. So, it's Valentine's Day and I'm torn. Do I just forget it, wait for him to come to me, or bring it up? The issue is not that big. It's the point that I'm tired of being the one to do it his way. I'd like him to show me how important I am and come to me. In the big picture, is it that important? No. I think of the woman who used to get upset about her husbands leaving his socks on the ground and then he dies and she wishes she would see his socks on the ground. How would I feel if he never came home? Does he think about it that way? What if something happened to me? How would he feel knowing I wanted him to come to me to resolve something and he never did? (Actually, I'm sure that thought would never cross his mind.) I'm planning on us being married for a long, long time. I don't like having an argument and not resolving it. Do I have to accept that it's going to be this way forever or is it reasonable to expect him to bend my way at least sometimes? Hmm. We'll see. I think we'll be having a talk tonight.
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